Her ex doesnt pay her child support although hes supposed to. Parents who financially take care of their adult children are robbing their children from becoming Happy, Proud, Productive, Self-Sufficient, Successful Adults. My mom is 43, and hasnt worked for about 9 years due to a work accident. yet they call every weekend to ask about the money .they didnt even raise him??? Shortly after that, she had maxed out the cards again. To make matters worse, my older sister is emotionally unstable and seems to be incapable of holding down a permanent job. Family connection is not a license to use and abuse. I go home for Christmas, but I havent called her Mom since clearing my credit history of all her crap. Your nephews car was smashed by a hit-and-run driver, and he needs $500 to cover repairs until payday. She gets mad at her husband because he asks her to find a job so they . 13 Signs Your Husband Is Using You Financially 1. @ERHR I can completely relate you having to unlearn lessons. If you cannot help yourself in the least bit, I will not support you. Law or no law. And, spending more than you make is a recipe for disaster as is having friends and family members who are willing to bail you out, over and over again. Everyone needs to find a way to be able to live the way they want to live. Wherever I moved they always showd up said they are coming for coffee en then my husband and I have to move to get rid of them. I wouldnt wish this situation on anyone! Shes 1,400 behind. The strategies in this thread all boil down to a few key principles. He and mom are now separated. Weve tried talking about finances and planning for retirement, but got nowhere. My Mother-in-law knows about my nest egg and thinks Im cruel. My FIL inherited about $900,000 in assets including about $400,000 in CASH 10 years ago. Once the family realizes that you arent the head of the family, maybe they can try to do something for themselves. But wont you at least give them a $5/week allowance? I cried all day yesterday, cried myself 2 sleep, n woke up crying again! as they have demonstrated they are all about themselves since I was old enough to be a front row witness to their bitter divorce and subsequent selfishness. This could mean anything from having separate checking accounts to creating a monthly budget with built-in fun money that you can each spend (or save! That doesnt mean I dont have friends with expensive tastes. However, I will have kids and support them just as my parents did while remaining financially responsible and not burdening my offspring who have their own obligation to take care of ( kids) later on in life. We complain limited human rights for individual selfishness, than respecting others individual human rights. My widowed mother saw fit to live well outside her means as well as support an older (10 years+ my senior, married) sibling of mines bad habits. They have retirement savings, but not nearly as much as I think they should by this point. Without knowing a familys complete and entire history, theres no way someone else could possibly judge why we all make the choices we do. Explain that while she has her whole adult life to save for retirement, you are getting close to the end of your working years paying her way isnt sustainable in the long term. You can help them find income opportunities and teach them proper money management. Whos going to take care of you if you deplete your savings or go into debt to take care of your parents? History will be the judge. Care of her fate because they were close, but now she is saying she doesnt have time. Money simply represents the vehicle driving them to their intended destination. BTW, the irresponsible one is also physically unhealthy and the opposite is true for the responsible one. The little known secret is that people like your parents with no money are cared for by the state when they are old and broke. I am her payee and I take care of her bills by paying them online, but when she goes through psychosis she tends to go to the bank and withdraw money when there is no money at all. My Mum is a school teacher but doesnt earn very much, ever since I was little they always borrowed 10 here, 20 there from Birthday/Christmas money but in adulthood it has been in the thousands to help with mortgage, the business, bills etc. My parents have also received several inherientces, which they blew throughagain, supporting themselves and on failed business ventures. Part of me feels that it is so unfair for them to put this burden on me and shame me for not being there for them when it is a choice they are making, not a need. In south africa its very difficult for white males to find work so you try to keep what you have. One incidence of car trouble, or a health problem would end them. Instead of expensive gifts for everyone, do a gift drawing or perhaps put a cap on the cost of the gifts. He is a high earner (doctor), so was able to hide it from most of the outside world but I saw it destroy first my mother (till she died) and then my step mother. Ther you go a good greatful child. If she was ill? Let me be blunt here: there are many, many financially responsible people in the world that I could be friends with, so I dont really have the inclination to maintain friendships with people who encourage me to overspend. My mother chose not to work for the better part of the past 20yrs. Hell make more money panhandling at Stop & Shop than he would at a real job, at least. My mother-in-law was working 80 hrs a week to pay for it allits really her that wants it all too. So I may face this very decision in the next decade or two. No. This is the perfect post for me. I always knew that they were financially illiterate but I had no idea it was this bad. My sister and her husband have the same situation. My Dad is self-employed but was never good at the business side of things, he mixed business with pleasure too much and got stabbed in the back from friends more times they you could count so lost a lot of money. You dont want to see them aimlessly walking around the neighborhood, begging for food and meds. Plus, the people Ive seen, dont ask others for food, but because we care for other people, respect their choice, we help them with food, water, and warm clothes. forgetfulness. By the time she reached retirement age (65), he had been out on his own for almost 20 years. Creating sub-trusts to ensure education, housing and daily living expenses are paid offers additional security to a family that may suffer from poor financial management. Your answers are not going to be easy. I gave my inheritance money to my father which he gambled away. I hope you stuck to your guns. Tell that woman to get her G.E.D. We graduated with many years of debt, but overtime everything worked out fine. Needless to say, he doesnt have any retirement savings. To justify our selfish logic, we use the fact that a rare amount of people are lazy, when we are still accountable for helping those who are actually having problems. If a parent is so selfish to raise their children by depriving them of financial sustainability and neglecting parenting to live their lives. Or, if you truly want to help (and you can truly afford it), you can simply gift the money, with no expectation of repayment. But like with myself, I am n have been a single parent since 2004. I will cook and clean and help my son with a family business. It is not your responsibility since you did not choose to be born to your parents. Or it is for something expensive you want but dont necessarily need? Good luck everyone. The lack of personal responsibility. My boyfriend is 27. It's hard to stand by while a sibling receives handouts. How is that wrong? Whether that means paying into social security and expecting nothing out, paying high prices for goods to fund their pensions (with no pension for yourself), or outright cash payments for their needs as you point out. Mr. Miller, my reply is a tad late considering this article was written two years ago. :(. Thankfully their time is coming to an end. While thankfully I wont have to worry about this as my parents are extremely financially responsible, I would absolutely help them as much as I were able to. My father had gone through a series of sinecures, but had never done anything with them, and he hopped from one opportunity to another and never became successful himself at anything. What is ridiculous about that? If they find reasons not to help you, this may indicate that they don't want to work for the money and rely on you to give it to them. Dont Obsess Over Investment Returns, but you MUST Obsess Over this, The Best & Cheapest Tax Software for 2023, Save Money on Amazon: A List of Amazon Discounts, Promos, & Price Hacks, Get Free 20somethingfinance Newsletter Emails, Only 15% aged 44-54 have over $250,000 saved. You are a child not a piggy bank. If and when things go south, these individuals will seek the financial support of those in their family. Always laughing and calling my husband a fool because he works 60+ hours a week. I think the businesses can run without him and pay for his medical bills, but what if is in the hospital for years? and she gets mads and screams and yells when I ask her to try to help herself by doing something.pls help im fed up and cant take it anymore!!!! Or thats what I thought. youd have to be frickin nuts. You dont need anyones approval for your actions. Its not pertinent to the discussion. If I just give her $ then I exacerbate her behavior. He can not seem to hold down a job. Parents should not bring children into the world with the expectation that they will care for them in their old age, and adults should not sponge off their parents. My mom was still alive and, with her influence, they paid off a modest house, had significant savings, even owned a small condo in Florida. I dont think that I have to be grateful for being brought into this world without my wishes to then suffer. She made it through life from financial support from her parents until they passed (her mother passed at 92). At that time which was 20+ years ago his mother moved back home with her parents who took care of her every need from 1998 (her father died) till November 2018 when her mother at 98 passed away. This has to change. My mother has been on five cruises in two months. I wont. Her tree trunk never thickened to bear the winds of life. I just keep it in & give money if i can spare it. The ridiculous and unnecessary pending the goes on is sad. My mother and my step-father. They are the selfish generation. We have the same parents! She had 0 savings. SighTheyre just running out of options. Mom, I love you, but you better stop spending all your money because I refuse to sacrifice my life and marriage for your luxuries. You can offer to pay for a visit to a financial planner, you can get her paperwork in order so you can put her in a home health care situation/make decision when needed, but do not mortgage your happiness for an irresponsible parent! I have had to initiate a fraud alert on my credit files for years because of a few strange items that have shown up over the years- mysteriously in their town, which I have not lived at for 23 years. My mother and I are not on speaking terms, so I dont see why I would. Anyway, the bottom line is that my father and mother assume we will supplement their waysagain with no change on their part. Money doesnt grow on trees! Looking back, I would have missed out on this deeper.layer of wealth in my life if I had not chosen to care for her under my roof. Dont simply open your wallet on the spur of the moment unless that money is coming from the flexible spending part of your budget. You might be financially fit while someone else is . My paternal grandmother passed away a few years back and left my father an over $1 million inheritance. I returned home for only one year and spent the entire time overworking to pay the bills and volunteering for other tours overseas. My mother, on the other hand, has absolutely zero in savings. No, but I dont think it would ever come to that. and yet I feel guilty. We have dinner parties, game nights, movie nights, and binge-watching marathons. At that time, she lived beyond her means purchasing a house in one of the most expensive areas of the country, buying luxury goods, and then paying repeated IRS penalties for dipping into her retirement account too early. The danger were talking about is when help becomes a habit. Help them with budgeting. No. They had extravagant life style in the past when they had money but they did not plan for their future well. But when i was 17 i worked in a clothing store with a guy who had the same illness as my dad he told me he dint want money from the goverment he wants to make his own money. Sometimes, saying no to a request may be difficult, but can save your relationship from any future resentment or hurt feelings. Darn. Regardless, being financially negligent is not right on any level. If you and your parents have the financial wherewithal, you could buy the home, bring the taxes to current, get someone to settle with the homeowners association, and negotiate with the IRS. We have been estranged for years. From what is on the net it looks like they believe it will get to be a bigger and bigger problem. The other two, they fill up with a hoarders delight. Protect yourself I think I heard you can declare financial independence or something like that even if you are an adult from your parents to protect yourself from inheriting debt. Thank you for being a fan of Ilyces radio program in Atlanta and subscribing to her newsletters from ThinkGlink.com. The other parent is frugal, easily contented with a simple life style, doesnt believe in debt or unreasonable spending. Be careful about saying, This is the last time. Several times can turn out the be the "last time," so be firm and say no. living on part time income plus unemployment. Lucky, she still own a house with him and she asked me for $50 bucks on and off now. Ask them to do some work in exchange for the money. than most. Most of us in our 20s and 30s are still building for your own future. My gf and I joined finances a couple of years ago and are working hard to pay for our needs/goals/wants and planning for our future. then what? I usually just read through posts like these but after so many similar tales I decided to post a bit about my own situation. Your upbringing, the dynamics of your family, and the way you're used to communicating will all play a role. During graduate school in 2005 she used my 840 credit to buy a house to flip, then ended up living in it (upgrade) & renting out her smallet house. But, aside from that financial concern, the match seems great. Ugh this is such a hard one. And if all else fails remind them that then church, or whatever their religion iss home base,is also their family and maybe they can help out if they need it. Maybe they even live at home without adequately contributing to the finances of your household. One of those e-mails was from Dave, who wrote with his own ethical dilemma. What is it that stresses you aside from you think it should ? Its okay to occasionally do something expensive with friends, but it should not be the norm. Thanks to my parents I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and according to the state in which I live I am responsible for my mothers medical bills upon her death because she is applying for Medicaid. !Have her baker-acted and sent to rehab. Im only 51. They were raised well, college paid for (mom dropped out) and were cared for well into their adult years with grandparents giving them only when they needed. This is something Ive thought about quite often recently. My boyfriend went Years without heat and hot water. I am not financially stables myself, I keep putting my bills on hold, & my priorities so she can have a home to live & groceries, but I am tired of dealing with this. Often, children need that final push to finally get out of the nest and find their own path to financial responsibility. He was self-employed for most of his adult life. my folks have always been responsible. we dont have the money and she is hurting my husband and son bc we have to help her she pays nothing. that is truely bad if you inherit your parents debts. Against my better judgement I gave in and let mt father and mother move in for 6 months until they could be on there own again, with no help being offered from any of my brothers and sisters who some could have helped as well. Let them know that you need to reevaluate spending habits or discuss your budget, so you can start a conversation without them getting instantly defensive. Two years down the road and Im just finally digging myself out of the hole and considering my exit strategies. Not only that, but she guilt trips her son into feeling bad for her. I see people my age and to think about where they might be without the financial assistance of mommy and daddy and it would would be pretty sad. This makes me angry because I have parent 1 and in-laws that would like to visit grandchildren also. Joey Johnston has more than 30 years of experience as a journalist with the Tampa Tribune and St. Petersburg Times. They also did not divorce, sell the family home and take off to parts unknown. She may have to go into a government program. Thanks for all your help. And i have a husband and two boys in college and we are way behind in planning for our own retirement.so, what i do know is that the truth is ugly. Ive found that the first time I say no is very hard, but once I say it, they may no longer expect as many yeses. I have four kids, two in college, and have to put MY mortgage on the back burner because as capable as he is if working, hed rather wait it out until his minuscule social security check starts coming in a few months. My dad is now in his late 50s, in very poor health, currently living in a different city. Your comment gives me pause. My brother had to declare bankruptcy and my sister had to short sale her house as a result of my parents. With my parents, yes, I would support them if necessary. And probable most of them use hard drugs while traveling abroad, spending immense amounts of money that a tuition fee wouldnt hurt for more than 5 years into their salary they have no right to claim anything! Know that a person who is trying to stir up conflict can easily set you off emotionally,. What do you all think about this? If you or the elderly person live in a nursing home, contact the Nursing Home Ombudsman (. What will receive from me is what I received from them: nothing. Sure they can forgive their mother, but actions have consequences, This child is not obligated to put their life aside to care for a selfish, abandoning parent. What you can do about it: Once you give someone money, its near-impossible to dictate how they use it. The grandparents watch the grandchildren when they visit. I want to hang on to my retirement money so that MY CHILDREN arent in this position and I am glad that most of you agreed with me. You should insist on a thorough physical exam including psych testing. Any money that crosses their fingers is spent immediately. His mother, and father both drank themselves to the point of cirrhosis. If FIL needs food, tough tuna. Balancing the interests of the responsible children with those of the irresponsible children may bring hard feelings. Actions have consequences, and I feel bad and upset. States with some level of filial responsibility laws (presently and previously) include: Look in to your states specific laws in detail (starting at the link above), as the laws can vary per state. The first thought that came to my mind was I wonder what he finds great about what he experienced?. Etc, siblings dont even drive. My mom is altogether another animalbut Im not sure that shes going to get the retirement she thinks she deserves. There will come a day when you reach the breaking point and then they will have been warned. I long to have my own life back and not be depended on by 2 aging people who clearly cant look after themselves but always knew how to have fun. Ive told her to get help from a credit counseling service. My dads job at a university got cut to part time in 2003. several years later they had no choice but to declare bankruptcy. Making someone pay anothers debts is also a violation of 5th Amendment private propery rights. Making sure a loved one is financially secure is a bedrock of estate planning. Now, this is the appreciation I get! Communicating with your spouse or significant other is always a good idea. My mother gave a large part of her inheritance from her second husband to her church, she was 70 ish. She made me an my brother so worried about her and she is still picky with jobs. You, Generation X, are an idiotlolI am a boomer and have NEVER kicked the can down the road and the reason our country is in such dissarray is the GREED in our government and high powered positions where laws do not matter which is why a lot if people are in such predicaments. I love them dearly but, they can set a camper up in my back yard and stay there if its that or homeless. No. Errrr.thats impossible. Godspeed everyone. Last Updated: July 28, 2022 Shes waiting for the money to be given to her from the house being sold. Neither of them have savings, health insurance, nor a retirement plan. The bankruptcy would have been worth it if she were actually thriving now as a result of it, but shes in worse shape now than she was 11 years ago when she regressed to a teenaged entitled mindset and just stoppped working. They carry a huge mortgage on the place. Im ready to start a family of my own and can do that comfortably if Im taking care of able bodied adults who dont want to do for themselves. Its not just a matter of being better than them, its a question of should you waste precious resources on those who arent worthy at the cost of hurting yourself or your own kids (financially speaking). From the age of 9, my husband had a hand in supporting the household with jobs outside of the home. unnecessary, avoidable drama. Care for them in their old age? Nothing fractures relationships more than loans going unpaid. They can find an entry-level job or two. Whoa you arent ungrateful you are a rational adult entitled to your savings that you had the intelligence to accumulate. The problems they are facing now are a direct result of ones irresponsibility but both are suffering.